Marriage: What I've learned so far

This past Sunday was our 6 month anniversary (I know...big whoop!) but I must say I am thrilled that we are halfway to completing our first year of marriage!

I thought I'd celebrate this "milestone" by sharing a few lessons that I've learned in the past 6 months of marriage. Hopefully I can continue to add onto this list as the months and years go by :) As I am finding out, marriage is like going to school...you learn every day!

1. Marriage is NOT about striving for your own happiness.

I believe one of marriage's strongest foes/challenges is selfishness. In one the most popular love chapters of the bible, 1 Cor 13, it is written "love is not self-seeking".This means that we should not see marriage as a way to gain something, but rather to give to our spouse. I read somewhere once that said something along the lines of "in order to be completely selfless, we are to die to ourselves every day." Putting your spouse's needs before your own can be such a challenge, because we are wired to be selfish beings. I have been blessed with a husband who has a heart for serving, and he encourages me by showing me love in this way. 

2. Honesty Is Always The Answer.

One of the greatest blessings of marriage, in my opinion, is having a partner who you can share your greatest joys, hopes, fears, beliefs and dreams with. Someone you can bear your soul to.  I don't believe God's design for marriage was ever for spouses to withhold things from one another. 

J.D. and I started out our dating relationship with hand-written letters, skype chats, and Scrabble games over the internet. We were in a long-distance dating relationship (he was in California and I was in Illinois) for about 4 months, and in that period of time we were able to talk about a lot of our past experiences. I've heard some marriage counselors suggest that past experiences/failings don't necessarily need to be discussed in detail, but J.D. and I went for the opposite approach- laying it all out on the table. Bearing our hearts. Now, I don't know if this is the best approach for everyone, but I know that this was one of the best times of our relationship. I'm a huge sucker for vulnerability. I always feel closest to those who have shared things with me which they only share with a select few. I like to call these kindred spirits. 

I first knew I loved J.D. when he gave me his journal which he had written in over the past few years prior to dating me. Though I can't tell you what all I learned in these pages, I will say it's one of the best gifts I've ever been given. It truly was one of the first times a man had ever shared the deepest parts of his heart with me. I read this journal on the airplane trip home, after flying out to California to visit J.D. When I opened that journal, and began reading J.D.'s heart, I was in tears and knew that I loved this man. This is one reason I decided to moved to California a few months later. I was intrigued! This man was looking more and more like marriage material. 

All that said, J.D. and I both deeply appreciate honesty with one another. It's hard sometimes, like in instances where we don't want to hurt the other's feelings. However, we always feel the deepest connection when we have been honest with one another. Honesty really is a beautiful choice offered to all of us, and I think if more couples chose it there would be less suffering in relationships.

I will gladly encourage couples who I come across, to choose honesty daily. I couldn't imagine beginning a marriage without honesty as a core value!

3. Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus

Simply put, men and women are designed differently. One of life's many mysteries are the differences between men and women. The fun thing for J.D. and I has been figuring out our similarities and learning to appreciate and love one another's differences. At times, the difficulty in having gender differences is that we may misunderstand one another. For example- Sometimes when I'm upset or discouraged, I just need to vent, but J.D. will go into "Mr. Fix-It" mode and offer solutions (when I just need him to listen). This is one of the most classic misunderstandings between men and women. If some alien life force were really out there (yes, I have been watching way too much Star Trek lately), they would probably pick up on this right away. We, however, may have a more difficult time realizing this at first. An easy solution in these kinds of situations would be to just be honest (see how important honesty is??) and let your spouse know what your needs are. And keep in mind...that marriage is about learning one another. No one will know every little thing about their partner, even if they've been married 100 years!

4. Laugh It Off

Ever hear that "Laughter is the best medicine"? Well, I've found that there are many times when this is too true! If I'm having an off day or am finding myself under a lot of stress, J.D. will find a way to make me laugh or get my mind off things. (Unfortunately, he has found that I am quite ticklish too, which he gladly takes advantage of whenever possible :P). We've both found that laughter really does lighten things up, and even when we are dealing with something hard we can joke about the prospect of "laughing about it later". 

5. It Takes Two

Accepting and understanding that you are a sinner marrying a sinner, is one of the best steps you can take towards having a healthy marriage. Not only is it important to acknowledge that you are flawed and have sinned and will continue sinning in the future; it is crucial that you accept that your spouse is just as much a sinner as you are. You will both mess up, you will both let one another down. NO WOMAN OR MAN IS PERFECT and should never be expected to be so. So, ladies...Sorry to break this to you, but there is no perfect prince charming out there. I fondly refer to J.D. as "My sweet prince" at times, lovingly knowing that he is as much a sinner as I am. Pretty basic, I know...but so very important! Of course, grace is a beautiful thing, and we can show love by giving one another grace when we mess up (also an important lesson!)

As I said before, marriage is a beautiful learning experience which God offers us. I am so grateful for the wonderful partner I've been given and I look forward to continuing to grow in my love and understanding towards him.

I shall end with a few collages of my favorite highlights/moments of the past 6 months:  

June 9, 2012 We tied the knot! :) 

Honeymoon- 7 Day Mexican Riviera Cruise

First big move (To Bakersfield), First T-giving trip to Big Bear with JD's family, & First Xmas as a married couple! Our favorite places to go in Bako are the $1 theatre across the street and the Riverwalk (see sunset pic)

And lastly...a few of our favorite cooking/baking creations over the last couple of months :) 

Ciao for now! :)

Anna

Man Will Always Disappoint

I'm going to take a brief interlude from my "keys to modesty" series, and write on something that has been impressed upon my heart. 

Lately, I have been dealing with facing and accepting a lot of other peoples' sins. I've realized that, in the past, I've tended to put people on a pedestal (which is always a danger). I wanted to see the best side of them and not really see them as the sinful beings that we all are. In the past year or so, however, I've been disappointed by many people. Disappointment is a hard thing to deal with, I'm finding. 

Today, I felt God was placing this truth on my heart- man will always disappoint. This is a result of sin. Because men and women will always sin here on this earth, they will disappoint us. The pedestal is fading, and I am beginning to see things more clearly. I think maybe this is a way that God is bringing me closer to him. He wants me to trust and rely on him fully... I can't trust and rely on men completely because they are going to disappoint us with their sin. 

This is a painful process for me, since I've spent most of my life looking to man for trust and security, as well as acceptance, love and comfort. When someone lets me down (especially due to an act of sin), I am crushed. Devastated. My world feels like it's crumbling. How could this person do such a thing? Don't they know the pain they're causing? 

Sin is a painful thing. It always will be. There are some days where it is so very hard for me to be alive in this world. Evil seems to be lurking around every corner, ready to devour its prey. Sometimes this feeling can be so bad that I feel like becoming a hermit in the mountains! :) Which would be funny, because even a hermit cannot hide from sin. 

Anyway, I am hoping that I will continue to learn to look for assurance from the only one who won't disappoint me-Christ. I need to keep in mind that men will continue to disappoint me. Furthermore, I hope that I will learn how to love others who disappoint me, in a way which honors Christ. 

Hopefully I will have more to write on this subject at a later date, but that's all I have for now. :) I may compose a post on "Marriage: What I've Learned So Far" soon, so stay tuned for that. 

Have a wonderful week and best of luck to those of you with finals! 
Blessings, Anna

Keys To A Modest Wardrobe: Key #5

    Well, It has been over a month since my last post and I apologize for the wait. Daily life seems to take over sometimes (or I just can't force myself into a writing mood). For some reason, I can't wrap my head around how quickly Christmas season came this year. Most of us look forward to next Christmas, the day after Christmas is over each year. I remember feeling like that as a child. It is a wonderful time of year though surprisingly not my favorite holiday. I can certainly appreciate the true meaning of Christmas (Jesus' birth). I have fond memories of making birthday cakes for Jesus as a token of celebration for Christ's b-day on Christmas day. I love the family time, the pretty lights and decorations (the ones that aren't too "hallmark-y"), the tasty baked goods, the snow (even though that hardly exists in Cali) and being able to surprise loved ones with gifts. However, I'm not a fan of opening gifts in front of people. I know that may sound funny to some...but I definitely get more joy out of giving than receiving. I don't know, it's just hard for me to have that "happy/surprised" face when I open gifts, and some people may take that as a lack of gratitude..which proves to be awkward. I wish I could easily jump up and down or shout out non-phony exclamations of surprise/joy...but those moments rarely come for me and I can't conjure those emotions on demand. I would stink as an actress. ha. 

    Anyway, those who are closest to me (or know of my family traditions) could easily answer that my favorite holiday is St. Patrick's Day. I'm looking forward to my first year of celebrating that day as a married couple. Someday, I'd love to throw St. Patrick Day parties each year (and not an excuse-to-get-drunk kinda party)...once I figure out how to plan and throw parties without stressing about it too much ;) Oh, and if you're wondering why St. Patty's is my fav holiday? It's rather hard to pinpoint, but I've just always loved the Irish culture (my family is half-irish after all). Love the accents. Love (some of) the food. LOVE the green covered hills and everything I've heard of the country of Ireland (DEF on my bucked list to visit). I love how my family celebrated this holiday-a big traditional Irish feast, lots of green-wearing, celtic music and dancing, and a few games of hot potato. No pressures of gift receiving or giving. Just plain fun, family time where we got to celebrate our heritage. I hope my future children will love this holiday too! 

   So, now you know that my favorite holiday is not Christmas. This has nothing to do with the topic of my blog, but I guess I was in the mood to give you some random info about me! lol

   Today, I'm going to cover just #5 of the keys to a modest wardrobe. This one is really important to me, and I've got quite a bit to say about it. 

5. Know Your Body

(Dress according to your individual figure, beware of the Magnetic Mirror Syndrome and Appreciate the Way you were uniquely made.)

Key #5: Know Your Body

Let's face it- we live in a culture where body image is huge, particularly for women. It's a truth that I find very sad. Depending upon the time period, our culture tells us that we should be skinnier, curvier, taller, shorter, wear certain clothes or certain makeup, etc. etc. etc. However, we must come to know that our happiness does not depend on whether we meet these cultural goals. I believe happiness (as far as how we feel about ourselves and our bodies) can be achieved partly by accepting our bodies the way they are, and knowing how to dress accordingly. Just because you have curves, does not mean you need to wear clothes that show them off obnoxiously. If you lack curves, it does not mean you need to wear an extra padded bra (and definitely doesn't require plastic surgery!!!). If you are heavier set, then you probably don't want to wear tight-fitting clothes...but you don't need to hide under humongous clothes either. Another thing I've found, is that height matters when it comes to modesty as well. For example, I can pull off wearing a shorter skirt and still be modest...because I happen to have short legs! Girls with longer legs could wear the same skirt I'm wearing and be totally immodest. The main point is to wear clothing that fits and accentuates your body type, in a modest way. I am currently in a complex where I need to get new jeans that fit better...mine are mostly skinny jeans and are getting too tight. I HATE HATE HATE pants shopping, but for the sake of modesty I shall drag myself to find some better fitting pants in the near future. Wish me luck! :P

The Magnetic Mirror Syndrome

   God designed each of us with a beautiful, unique body that we are to use to honor him while on Earth. I don't think he smiles upon us when we "freak out" over our appearance or spend far too many minutes in the mirror (I call it the Magnetic Mirror Syndrome). I know I used to have a problem in my junior high and high school years, where I felt I needed to inspect my appearance at every possible moment. I don't know if it was the cute boys I was "needing" to impress, or if I was terribly self-conscious about how I looked (probably both, to be honest). I had a makeup compact that I would use to check my appearance in as my dad or mom drove me to school. I would check it in the bathroom, I would check it in the locker room after P.E. Even as I scoffed at all the other girls who crowded the bathroom mirrors. I even found myself trying to check my appearance in the windows around school! Not until my dad said to me in the car one morning on the way to school (while I was looking in that "magnetic" mirror again) "Anna, you look beautiful. Why do you need to keep looking in the mirror?". I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and wondered if my dad thought me the most vain person alive. Slowly, I was able to be cured of the Magnetic Mirror Syndrome. I still keep a compact in my purse, but now I don't worry as much about how I look every second of the day. I have a husband who thinks I'm beautiful, and I have a maker who does as well. I don't NEED to impress others with how I look anymore. It's nice to have those days where you just feel pretty and confident or you have a fun new outfit to wear for the day...but truly, that's not what life is all about. Beware the magnetic mirror syndrome! 

   Knowing your body encompasses both knowing what kinds of clothes your body looks best in and most MODEST in, as well as knowing that you are beautiful the way you were made. 

"For you created my inmost being; you 

knit me together in my mother's womb."

Psalms 139:13

How beautiful is that? I've always held this verse dear to my heart and go back to it when I'm struggling with my self-image. God had a special design for EACH of us, before we even breathed our first breath. He knew how we would look at each stage in our life, and his love never falters... no matter how ugly we may think ourselves. HE KNITTED us together. I know how to knit, but I only know one stitch. I know there are hundreds of different stitches and patterns out there, but I've stuck to my simple, comfortable stitch which my grandmother taught me years ago. Can you imagine how many "Knitting" patterns God has?? He had an Anna Christine pattern all ready, before I was even in my mother's womb. And as I grew in my mother's womb, he was knitting my pattern and creating me into a breathing creation. SO amazing. I can't wait to see what patterns God comes up with for my future children. Isn't it almost like we are offending God when we think ourselves ugly? Would we tell an artist that his painting is ugly or a photographer that his picture sucks? Okay, maybe some of us would...haha. My point is, how differently would we think about our appearance if we saw ourselves through God's own eyes-as a beautiful, unique masterpiece which he knit together out of pure love? Wow. I know that this truth really convicts me and encourages me to change my thought patterns. 

I want to leave you with this beautiful song, which I heard while at a Mercy Me concert a few years ago. It brought tears to my eyes, when the lead singer said he'd written this for his own daughters. It's so sweet and such pure, simple truth.

The song is titled "Beautiful" by Mercy Me

My favorite lyrics of the song: 

 "Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world beganOf all the wonders He possessedThere was one more preciousOf all the earth and skies aboveYou're the one He madly lovesEnough to die
You're beautifulYou're beautifulIn his eyes"

See the video here (Copy/Paste the link): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WnAq0o2Xl8 

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Remember, you are beautiful in your maker's eyes, and he does not see you how the world does. Know your body, and appreciate that you are a beautiful creation and should dress it in a way which accentuates you in a modest way.

Cheers! :)

Anna 

Keys to A Modest Wardrobe: Keys 3&4

3&4

To start off this post, I want to share a personal (sort-of) epiphany that arose in me the other day. I used to (and still do at times)struggle with accepting some truths about the way this world is (and how corrupt it really is). I didn't understand the amount of pain and agony some endure while others live relatively peaceful lives and seem to "have it all together". 

Then, I came to realize (my sort-of epiphany) that no one really "has it all together"... Not 24/7 anyway, or not like we assume so. There's a quote I like that goes something like "Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." This struck me as one of those "duh" lightbulbs, but still I believe it's something we should all think about.  

Do you ever have friends or know people who seem to have the PERFECT LIFE? The perfect job, perfect home, perfect car, perfect clothes, perfect appearance, perfect vacations, perfect kids, perfect report card...you name it?? No one is perfect (only Jesus Christ), but at times I do tend to buy into the lie that these people "have it all together" especially when I don't. Well, my belief is that we really can't know what everyone is dealing with. Some people are very good about putting on a face, and pretending that everything is "just peachy". Others can more easily wear their emotions on their sleeve. I think vulnerability is one of the hardest things for people to show others. Pride, shame, embarrassment, and fear of rejection are also a few other obstacles when it comes to sharing the hard stuff with others. So, mostly I just want to open your eyes to this idea that no one is perfect and everyone is dealing with something (though for some, the good may be outweighing the bad or vice versa). I think modesty or lack of modesty can also be a result of what a person is dealing with in their life.

In my last post, I dove deeper into the first two keys ("Ask yourself" and "Think Like a Man"). Today, I will continue on and give you more insight on the next two keys. 

Without further ado, here are Keys 3 and 4:

3. Always let your Conscience Be Your Guide

(Don't wear something you feel uncomfortable wearing in public...it's probably that thing called your conscience-or Holy Spirit- whispering in your ear)

4. If you've got it...you DON'T gotta flaunt it!

(Victoria's Secret-and most of the world- tells us we should flaunt it, but this is a sugar-coated lie)

Key #3: Always Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide

When I think of the word conscience, I can't help but picture Pinocchio's little friend, Jiminy Cricket. He's a cute little representation of what a conscience is though in reality, carrying a cricket around everywhere would be a little creepy (and obnoxious). For those of us who know the Lord, we have what is called the Holy Spirit which dwells inside of us. The Holy Spirit guides and protects us with whatever we do and wherever we go. Sometimes we choose to listen to it, while other times we choose to ignore it. 

I truly believe that God cares about the choices that we make, which includes our wardrobe choices. So, dress according to what would please God, and not what would please others (like the cute boy at school). If you hear a whisper or have a funny feeling in your stomach about a wardrobe choice, LISTEN TO IT. 

Key #4: If You've Got It...You Don't Gotta Flaunt It

I've heard the quote "If you've got it, flaunt it!" one too many times. I've seen far too many Victoria's Secret ads, and I've seen enough racks of immodest clothing in department stores to last me a life time of eye sore. One of the world's messages is for women to be EYE CANDY. Along with the encouragement to "flaunt it", we are told to dress according to what would pleasure men most (this goes back to key#2-Think Like a Man). Digging even further, some women buy into the message that wearing little clothes will be the means to an end (whether that be a man, job, money or whatever else). 

We are surrounded by these negative messages which are of this world. So, how can we turn these messages around and be modest women in a world which tells us we are in the minority? One trick, is to do the opposite of what the world says. So, if the world tells us to flaunt it...then don't flaunt it. If the world tells us we are to seek men by dressing as eye candy...then don't dress in a way that makes you eye candy. If the world tells us we will gain something by dressing a certain way...don't give into the lie that this is the best way to gain something. Being aware of the negative messages our world sends us, as well as learning how to set our own standards is key to being a modest woman. 

<<<---lol. Not exactly the right message but I thought this was cute. 

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That is all I have for today. :) Next time, I will be writing on Keys 5 and 6. 

Be safe and choose modesty if you choose to dress up for Halloween this year. 

Blessings!

Anna

Keys to a Modest Wardrobe: Keys 1&2

Keys to a Modest Wardrobe: Keys 1 & 2

Well, It’s been awhile since I last blogged and there are several reasons for that. I will spare you most of the details and just say that there have been a lot of transitions for me lately. Also, we were without internet for a little while at our new apartment and resorted to walking over to Barnes and Nobles and using their Starbuck’s Wifi. Poor us...we had to buy Starbuck’s drinks for a few weeks. I felt like a total college student. And my husband and I don’t even drink coffee!

Anyway, I recall from my last post that I promised to go into more depth with each key (to a modest wardrobe). I am going to try to split this up into several posts, without writing a book on each. We’ll see how this goes! I am kind of free-writing/typing, so forgive me if I ramble or don’t make sense. I will do my best to convey what I want to get across for each key. Since I have a lot to say on the first two keys, I am only going to cover those in this post. 

To review, here are the first two keys:

1. Ask Yourself

(How am I representing myself? Am I staying true to who I am?)

2. Think Like a Man

(Knowing how men think and are designed is important when deciding how we should dress)

Key #1: Ask Yourself

I believe key 1 is very crucial, as it is rooted in how you perceive yourself. If one thinks lowly of oneself, then you may dress vibrantly and immodestly to counteract your low self esteem (and/or to attract attention to compensate for or cover up those feelings). A low self-esteem minded person may also hide behind baggy clothes or unattractive clothes in order to “blend in”. They may also just not care how they look or are perceived by others. If one thinks more highly of oneself, then you may dress with confidence (whether that be loud clothes or fashionable but modest clothes). I’ve also met people with high confidence who don’t care squat about what they wear. 

***A side note---Though I do believe that feeling and looking good can and does boost one’s self esteem, I do not believe that clothes or looks define a person or their confidence. Of course, I believe it all goes back to the person inside-particularly, the heart of a person. 

Mostly, I believe it’s important to ask yourself how you are representing yourself. Are you portraying yourself outwardly in a way that is in sync with who are on the inside? Or are people questioning your genuineness? For example, you may see christian girls at church who seem modest enough at church, but then act and dress differently outside of church...and you may end up questioning their character. 

If we are dressing modestly just for the “church crowd”, then we are not setting a good example to the rest of the world. More importantly, we are not honoring God. Being modest is a commitment you choose to make, which requires monitoring how you dress and act EVERY.DAY. EVERY.WHERE. 

Remember to stay true to who you are. Honor God with your body. Make a conscious effort to choose modesty everyday and everywhere you go. 

Key #2: Think Like a Man

After being married for a little over 4 months now, and having lived with a majority of boys growing up, I have come to grips with the fact that men are designed much differently than women. God made this to be a good thing. Aren’t you glad we aren’t all gray blobs who are all designed alike? I have this book titled Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. It’s a rather comedic illustration of the many differences between men and women. It particularly tickled me to read about why men need their “man caves”. It makes so much more sense now (read it, it’s GOLDEN!) I will try to include excerpts to share in future posts. :) 

One of the most important things we need to understand about men (besides their need for man caves) is that they are designed to be very visually stimulated. When I first learnt of this, I was honestly a bit thrown back (though I sort of knew it already). I questioned why God would do such a thing, since there are so many men who fall prey to pornography and which explains why there are prostitutes and strippers still out there. Obviously, we live in a fallen world and man is sinful and will continue to sin. I’m not saying it’s God’s fault that men sin in this way...it is after all, their choice. And yes, women fall prey to this area of sin as well. But for this post, I am focusing on men. :)

How this applies to women is that we can HELP men in this area, by not seeking their attention by dressing inappropriately. When we dress with limited clothing, we are walking billboards to men. We are advertising our bodies. “Here it is-Come and get it!” is what some men may be hearing. Or they may be thinking you are “easy”, “sexy”, “desirable”...etc. This is called lust. Women who dress immodestly are providing men with the keys to lust. Do you think most men who struggle with lust and pornography are respectful of women? Don’t you want men thinking “She seems like a nice, honest girl. I respect her character.” Or maybe a boyfriend or crush thinking “I really care for this girl. She has many valuable traits and is a good influence on me” rather than “She’s hot. She’s Sexy. I want her bod”----->This is what I would call trashy thinking. Not classy at all. 

I really think that women desire respect almost as much as they desire to be loved and needed (Cue Aretha Franklin). I know that I would not have decided to marry my husband if he didn’t respect me. One of the main reasons I chose him was because he is a true gentleman (who respects me) and he appreciates me for who I am-inwardly and outwardly. 

I desire this for all young women...that they save their bodies for their future husbands. Even if a woman decides to never marry, I still believe it is important to see themselves as an example to the world, and as stewards to God. 

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Well, I believe I’ve covered all I wanted to say on those first two keys. Again, I am sorry if I rambled at all. I had a lot to say! 

I am excited for this new season of fall (if you can call it that in California). This means sweaters, scarves, pumpkin pie, colorful leaves, tea-drinking and BOOT-WEARING! I feel fall is also easier to choose a modest wardrobe. One reason I don’t favor summer as much as other seasons, is that it’s hard to go out in public and see the immodest styles everywhere.

So....cheers to sweaters and boots and such! :)

P.S. Sweaters do not equal turtlenecks. There are cute non-turtleneck sweaters out there that still pass the modesty test! ;)